Aging gracefully

So far this has been a very cold winter in the Washington area. For days we have experienced arctic winds that made some of us go through winter blues. That is nothing compared to Boston where the city has had 96 inches of snow so far. Recently I was in Boston visiting my daughter during the latest snowstorm. The messy weather mostly kept us homebound and at times it came too close for comfort. Our conversations took many directions - some serious, some comical. I was in no way prepared to have a discussion on the aging process - let alone my very own. Out of nowhere my daughter told me that the frown line between my eyebrows is a little visible now-a-days.

For a moment I didn't know how to respond. I was a little baffled and perhaps felt a little apprehensive by such an honest comment. I think being an only child, at some level fear has set in that her mother is aging. She lectured me on the benefits of anti-aging products that vouch for retaining the youthful look, and seriously told me that they may add to my longevity.

Then I thought to myself that explains my past year's Mother's Day gift which she had sent by overnight Express Mail. The neatly packed package contained legions of Benefiance wrinkle resist 24 products made by cosmetics company Shiseido. I got day and night cream, lotions, and super corrective serums all promising to prevent dreadful skin imperfection and wrinkle resistance. The daytime facial cream had broad spectrum SPF 18 sunscreen on it. While the night emulsion serum boasted wrinkle free smooth skin.

Until then I never cared much to look up my family tree to know where and when I will have wrinkles. I never saw the need to spend a great deal of time to look for fine lines (crow's feet) around my eyes. I thought I have been very lucky to have avoided intrinsic aging until my daughter's comments. She also reminded me that those lines now give me a pissed off appearance - that is a look no woman wants.

Quickly I flashed a big smile and told her, "I've noticed those lines too. I simply cannot stop the natural aging process". Then we had a hilarious discussion as to how all the wrinkles can go away just by waving a magic wand. She told me, "Well, of course for starters you will need to get Botox injections to make the line go away for three months at a time, and if that doesn't work then perhaps cosmetic surgery, to get rid of the fledged line between your eyebrows".

When I simply laughed at her suggestions she felt a little embarrassed for putting me on the spot. She then recommended that a short and hip haircut at Aveda (a high end salon in Boston) and a pair of cool designer eyeglasses will do the trick for now. According to her with the new look if I keep on using all the anti-aging products that vouch for retaining the youthful look, they may add to my longevity.

For now, there is not a single grey hair on my head that's visible. The only way I will consider myself a senior is when I get my official senior discount card when I am 65 which is far off over the horizon. In the US at age 66 one is eligible for full retirement benefits. From then on they can draw on their Social Security benefits and can apply for Medicare to cover for their medical expenses.

With my turning the big 50 a few years back, the AARP magazine (the syndicated official magazine for people over age fifty) had started arriving in my mailbox. I tell myself that it must be for my spouse. I collect it from the box, and once inside the house, I put it in the pile of his week's unopened mail on the kitchen table. Call it denial, but I am not ready to ride the senior wagon yet.

The AARP magazine is filled with all the health tips, such as how to make hearty chicken and noodle casserole in minutes, so that the seniors have a lot of time to participate in other recreational activities. They advertise additional health care coverage that is not normally covered by health insurance companies like Medicare or Medicaid. The magazine features all the senior "doers, dreamers and pioneers," making a difference in their lives or the lives of others. They interview famous people, from legendary Quincy Jones to actress Glenn Close, who are dedicating time and effort in helping impoverished children around the world and breaking the stigma of mental illness.

These are all noble causes, right? But somehow I turn away from this magazine. It makes me a little depressed, especially when I see all the 'before-and-after' plastic surgery photos. I feel similarly when I watch the announcement of Digital TV's transition deadline being extended into the summer. After all, in this day and age, who has analog/non-digital TV except a handful of seniors?

I feel somewhat depleted when I see about.com advertisements for affordable best places to move for retirees to live their golden years such as Weatherford, Texas. It highlights that Weatherford is ideal for it has no state income tax. Basically it is a wonderful place to pursue outdoor interests like fishing and boating in the lovely lakes. No matter what I am not ready to think how my retired dollars can go a longer way! A week ago after flipping through a few pages and seeing the ads for inexpensive ideas in long term care insurance for terminally ill patients - I felt that I had enough of that magazine.

I threw it away, put on my walking shoes, bundled up and took a brisk walk towards my neighbourhood coffee shop. What happened there was an eye opener. When I paid for my coffee it seemed that the Pakistani cashier had charged me less than usual. I looked at the receipt and saw that he gave me a senior citizen discount of twenty-five cents. I was speechless and felt a little hurt. After finishing my coffee, I walked up to him and asked why he gave me a discount. After all I did not ask for it and demanded to know if I looked like a senior citizen to him. He sensed my anger and said, "Well, I can see that we are from the same region and I just wanted to give a discount just to be nice". I shook my head in disbelief and walked out. My mouth tasted really bitter and I decided I do not like coffee anymore.

During my lone walk back home, I started to think about my daughter's comments from a couple of weeks before. Maybe plastic surgery can hold off me looking my age by a few more years. More and more women in their fifties and above are taking advantage of it every day. For some it is a necessity to feel better about them. The natural process of aging is not a pretty prospect for most women. Even though in America the word senior is a very natural expression, I do not like this word. I do not want this label in order to enjoy certain discounts reserved for the people who are aging.

I stop cold every time I see an ad for funeral cost insurance. The idea behind this is simple. An average burial costs thousands of dollars. The idea is to take care of your own burial and funeral costs when you are alive, so that you are not going to leave this burden on the loved ones. This may seem a little morbid but it is practical. I have this love hate relationship with the AARP magazine, always flipping through it when no one is looking.

One cannot ignore this rude awakening to one's aging process. With aging comes one's inability to make sound decisions. The elderly are often victimized by the predators of this society. We read horror stories about how they are getting ripped off their life savings. There are many ploys to dupe them into giving up their rights and dignity. The very vulnerable elderly, in some cases, are even getting murdered by greed-consumed family members or care givers.

In today's society, seniors are often ignored and made to believe that they are useless. Their age and experience count for nothing. Seniors start to view themselves as others do, i.e., as old and weak. Their mind often stays sharp but then slowly starts to degenerate, because they are made to believe they are unimportant. In many western countries elderly parents are shoved into nursing homes to live their golden years alone. The lucky ones with money get to go to the assisted living communities playing golf, watching movies, going out to lunch and taking daytime excursions with others their age.

The poor and the sick elderly spend their days in state sponsored nursing homes where there are no perks, where they are often subjected to neglect and abuse. Such disregard for seniors is really shameful! They are already forgotten here on earth. It is horrible but nonetheless a naked truth.

A few weeks ago I was watching an old episode of Boston Legal (once an Emmy winning show on TV for many years about a law firm in Boston), where an ex-employee (now a senior) tried to bring a lawsuit for every imaginable discrimination against seniors. None of the young lawyers would even listen to her, let alone take her case. Finally, the head of the firm who himself was over fifty (a baby boomer) was convinced by her to try one case. They both agreed that there are no shows on TV appropriate for seniors to watch, who on the average watch six hours of television every day.

The lawyer's points were compelling and he passionately argued that media should cater to the needs of all viewers. As a result of society's blatant disregard for the seniors, they are forced to spend millions every year buying DVDs of World War II documentaries and any movies that they have enjoyed in the past. Finally, a neurotic, eighty-year-old judge, who initially said that it was the most absurd case that he was unfortunate enough to sit through, reluctantly gave in and ruled in favour of the plaintiff (a senior). This is just a dramatisation. In real life things of such a nature hardly happen.

I am not going to be naive here and say that the care of senior parents should fall only on the children. I know in today's society it is not possible to allocate one's majority of income in caring for an elderly parent. That is where the government assisted living facilities come in (here in the west). Not everyone is as lucky as my own mother was. She lived up to be 96, and in the last ten years of her life she had lived with my brother at his house in Dhaka, with round-the-clock nurses. Her every need was attended to by my brother and his family. The night I saw the episode of Boston Legal I stayed up awake in bed trying to remember my mother's face, albeit with some difficulty.

I got up from the bed and went to my computer to look at her photo that I had received before her passing. My mother's face looked the same as I remembered. Since she is my mother, her face remains unchanged to me. The visible lines on her forehead in the old photo seemed a lot more numerable than before. I counted all nine of them - each for one decade. I can say with utmost certainty that she is one person that I know who had aged gracefully.

Then and there I decided that I want to age the same way and will leave my marks on my forehead - for my daughter to decide whether I had aged gracefully or not. But that is a long time from now. For now I am going to take each day with stride and move forward without thinking much about what is coming next. In years to come my own daughter may look at my photograph and count the lines on my forehead and decide for herself whether I had lived up to the art of graceful aging.

Zeenat Khan is a newspaper columnist and a fiction writer. Email: zeenat.khan1983@gmail.com