Being nice is essential in keeping the world afloat, living, and letting others live; there is no alternative to nicety. Niceness is a virtue that one holds in oneself even without knowing it, and sometimes, one forgets that, as humans, they have it in them to be nice and be better.
There goes the ultimate confusion in the measurement of niceness. How nice is too nice? What is not 'too nice?' Or the most puzzling of them all: is being nice to self is being selfish?
To understand the paradox of niceness better, let us first dissect the virtue of being nice to others. It is important to be nice to others, of course, to be of help, to offer your kindness, to be considerate, to be kind, to give freely, and to be compassionate and understanding. But an important term, an essential, is the concept of boundaries.
Understanding and respecting boundaries
Boundaries are barriers that people place between themselves and others. They are not physical barriers; they are much more conceptual and abstract. Boundaries dictate what behaviour a person will tolerate and how they want to be treated. Boundaries indicate a separation between places and entities and
within a person. The term is broad and can refer to many different kinds of barriers.
There are seven types of boundaries: physical, sexual, spiritual, financial, time management, emotional, and clear and spoken expectation boundaries.
A person who can say "no" to others is an example of boundaries. A person who does not double book their weekend when they already have plans is also an example of boundaries. Setting some boundaries as to how you allow someone to behave with you sets the tone of how you behave with someone. It is foolish and illogical to expect other people to be respectful to you if your behaviour indicates disrespect towards others.
Be nice to yourself
When someone gets a bad grade, messes up a project at work, has an unnecessary argument, or otherwise seems to compromise their (maybe too high?) standards, they whip themselves. Not only may they feel awful, irresponsible, and a total failure, but this action shows a prospect or a projection of the future. The inner critic only focuses on the negative. It also tends to have this habit of 'catastrophising,' of pulling things out of scale, peering crazily into the future. Another characteristic is that it ignores - the good stuff.
We tend to beat ourselves up this badly because we mistakenly think it's a practical thing to do. It is not, though. It merely causes stress - and, in fact, the same thing as what's known as the drill instructor theory of motivation. The theory says, "Scream at people, threaten, punish - and your victim will obey you". We know this to be counterproductive and dangerous in teaching, parenting, or any kind of relationship between two people - but it also applies to people's relationship with themselves.
The people-pleasing or avoidant feelings - all sabotage the normal and healthy way of life by balancing the scales of being nice or not being so at all. To solve both problems, it is most important to be kind to oneself -- treating oneself like one would treat one's best friend. It is advisable not to be self-indulgent but also to soften the blow while advising gently.
Cultivating self-love and self-assertion
As easy and cheesy as it may sound, the harsh reality is that loving oneself is one of the hardest things to do sometimes. It means channelling your love for others into your own being, accepting yourself, taking care of yourself, putting yourself above toxic and draining situations and still being compassionate and nice to others.
Self-love has to do with whether or not you like yourself. You can find yourself worthy of trust, admiration, and care. On the other hand, self-compassion is the ability to forgive oneself and be gentle to oneself.
AfridSharraf Ali, a fresh Mass Communication and Journalism graduate from the University of Dhaka, has been studying self-help books out of curiosity for years. He has read through journals, papers, and books authored by experts. About loving and accepting self to channel others' behaviour towards self, he opines,
"As a common human being, I can't dictate the behaviour of others towards me. I don't have that control. It is up to them how they will treat me or what they'll offer at the table. But I have control over my actions, which sets up a note for how people will be allowed to behave with or treat me. If I communicate fairly and clearly with myself, my inner voice will channel my energy to where I am appreciated and loved."
"We put so much emphasis on how the world thinks of us; we forget to reflect on our actions and feel disconnected from ourselves. We are thus kind to the world but not half as kind to ourselves. Self-care, self-assertion, and a clear sense of self should be daily practice now," says Afrid.
Most importantly, it is essential to remember that fighting one's inner critic is an attempt to become a better person. One may forget or get distracted from the path hundreds of times, but the blame shouldn't be on oneself. One needs to slowly guide oneself back, just like they'd do so with someone they care about, just like they'd like someone else to do with them.
© 2024 - All Rights with The Financial Express
