Parenting that shapes the posterity

You never know the love of your parents until you become a parent yourself or before you see their empty chairs. Parents were not the role models to your view when you were a child; but now as you have grown up they are the people you want to be.

Once you have your baby born you are no more what you had been, your life is forever changed. You are now responsible in a way that you have never been before. You say goodbye to many demands of your social life. You are no longer the centre of your own universe. Your child becomes the centre for you and your spouse to revolve around.

Today, the "Global Day of Parents", proclaimed by the United Nations in 2012 and observed on the first day of June every year, we have to honour all the parents throughout the world and appreciate their selfless commitment to children and their lifelong sacrifice towards nurturing this humane relationship. Today, we have also to evaluate how our parenting is shaping the character of our children.

Parenting does not mean only bathing and feeding your child in time, sending her to school, engaging a tutor to help her do the homework, putting her on a bed with a music switched on to induce her sleep, spanking her when she does not behave herself and waiting for her to secure stupendous scores in all the subjects in all her grades.

The cardinal rule of parenting is how you behave, not how your child behaves. You have to teach your wards through examples. Instead of yelling at your son to study you better study in your room to inspire in him an interest in reading. Instead of asking your daughter to do home works better play with her with her math lessons, pretending that you are not quite good at arithmetic and let her discover your mistakes that you intentionally committed to arouse in her a thrill to learn the magic of mathematics.

Your child observes, thinks and imitates you, and reacts to the happenings around. But, most parents are unaware that they themselves lead their children to astray. Some examples how many parents behave before their children: A father asks his son to tell the caller by phone that he was not home. Look, how a father is teaching his child that one should lie. A father smokes and dexterously blows out thick smoke rings that float into the air, rising above and gliding across the room. Look, his son is gaping at the smoke rings swirling like a helicopter. How would the father treat his son if he is found smoking at the backyard of his school? Father is quarrelling with his mom; he is scolding her. Will not his child learn as he grows up that oppressing a wife is the way to control her? In a single-parent family, a father or a mother is talking to his or her boyfriend or girlfriend over phone or in person for hours together. Picture this: his or her child is hobnobbing with another child in the neighbourhood.

The most pernicious is perhaps the parental behaviour of inflicting physical pain on children through corporal punishments both at their own homes and schools. Corporal punishments traumatise a child for life. It is not effective means of parenting. It instills fear and in some cases, it breeds violence.

Some feel a spank here and there is far more effective than constant nagging. Many of us, especially those old-timers, equate lack of corporal punishment to lackadaisical parenting. Kids get spoilt, they believe, if they are not dealt with a firm hand. 'Spare the rod, spoil the child' is the line they will always quote. If we rule our children with the rod, chances are, our children, when it is their turn to be parents, will continue corporal punishment.

Gone are the days of describing parents as merely "strict" or "lenient." Parenting styles now come with titles and definitions. Pundits are churning out a variety of parenting. A student of psychology would tell you about basically four parental styles: Authoritarian Parenting, Authoritative Parenting, Permissive Parenting, and Uninvolved Parenting.

In the style of Authoritarian Parenting children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. An uninvolved parenting style is characterised by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these lackadaisical parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their child's life.

There are other classes of parenting such as 'Instinctive Parenting' and 'Attachment Parenting'. The instinctive class refers to the "old school" method of parenting based on "intuition" or simply a feeling of "go with your gut" while in the 'attachment' category the goal is for parent and child to form a strong emotional bond.

But the most interesting category, for the way it has been named, is 'Helicopter Parenting'. Helicopter parents constantly interact with and often interfere with their children's lives. They hover like a helicopter.

If a global competition on parenting could be arranged Chinese mothers would perhaps have won the Gold Medal. Chinese mothers, known as Tiger Moms, are extremely strict and expect nothing but the best from their children -- and they let them know it, in no uncertain terms. Chinese parenting places heavy importance on rote repetition, settling for nothing less than perfection, and no qualms over pulling out every "weapon and tactic" to get it.

Parenting in Islamic way, many believe, is one of the best ways to nurture and educate your children. Islam encourages Muslims to follow the example of their last Prophet Hazrat Muhammad (pbuh) when it comes to everyday lives including raising children. His approach to his family was epitomised with gentleness and compassion. The Prophet was also never known to hit a child. Instead a Muslim parent is encouraged to teach by good example and discouraged from disciplining until the child is seven-year-old.

There may be one hundred and one ways of parenting. The best parenting behaviour, however, includes display of warmth and closeness balanced with monitoring and control. The best inheritance a parent can pass on to their children is "a few minutes of their quality time" each day.

Your parenting can hugely alter the course of your next generations. Everything you do is consigned to your posterity. Your home is the first school room of your children. And the lessons he or she learns from your parenting will get passed from one generation to another.

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